i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I need a burrito and a hug.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
