Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?