woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
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I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them