Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
