the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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