Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
