your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
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Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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