I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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