My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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