my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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