i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
