You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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