i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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