I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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