I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
