I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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