Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
false alarm, still single
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