I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
