If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
