I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
