i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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