Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I want her autograph on my taint
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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