Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
