Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
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I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We are two peas in an std pod
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
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I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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