dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
