Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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