Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
