Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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