she woke up with a sticky ear
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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