My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
