margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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