The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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