i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
