dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize