my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
