I think im going to throw up on grandma
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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