Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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