don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
