Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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