i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
