Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
