are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
