Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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