what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
