WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
