sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
