i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
