You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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