some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
