My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
