I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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