I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
