haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was born a porn star she said
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
