The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
